Friday, December 01, 2017

The first day

For the last two days Facebook Memories has been reminding me that my departure from Soul coincides exactly with my leaving my ad agency job. It's a little amusing because it's completely unplanned, but in many ways, both jobs have been alike. In both cases I was scouted by my bosses to try out something new, as an experiment of sorts. Both these bosses have been wonderful to work for, and I learned more under them than I've learnt anywhere else. The work they sent my way was exciting and challenging. It's funny because as people I wouldn't have said they are the least bit alike. And I worked from exactly the same same dates to the same dates in both places, how weird is that!

Today's FB memory was a post along the lines of how the first day of the rest of my life is marked by intense sleepiness. True to form, I can barely keep my eyes open this morning. I am so very tired, all I want to do is snuggle a cup of hot soup under blankets. The weather is rainy and chilly and just perfect for this. Back in 2010 I had a 4 yo Rahul to keep me on my toes and now I have a 3.5 yo Beni dedicating himself to the same job!

The one thing that is different though, is how devastated I was when I left Contad. Wiser through experience, this time I gave myself plenty of time to worry and second-guess and fret over my decision while I was still working. By the time November finally ended, I was at peace and really looking forward to my time off. Writing out my worries here helped more than I realised. There's work coming in and I've actually been turning it all down because I recognise I need to rest before I can do anything else at all. For the very first time in my life, I'm not fretting over lost opportunities. There will be something else when I'm ready. And if there isn't, I'll live cheaper. Or something. I'll figure it out.

Vicky are I are committing to a single income household for the immediate future, and a car loan, and two sets of expensive school fees. I've worried about this, but I'm feeling strangely confident anyway. I am more worried about Rahul not getting enough sleep and Beni not getting enough engagement. Like 2010, stopping work is showing me how much my family pays for me to work and I know I'll have to fight off a ton of working mother's guilt to get my head back into freelancing.

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I want to read this post when I'm 40 and smile because it was my worries that were misplaced, not my confidence. Make it happen, universe!

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

I get a bit nervous

November is a family 'birthday month', and in my head, it tends to be special. This November, I am sitting in my house, restlessly opening and closing apps on my phone, and waiting for the month to end.

At the start of 2017 something hardened in me, some resolve I didn't yet quite understand. I went on to make choices that I didn't quite understand, I simply chose what my heart said I needed. Does that sound unacceptably flowery? It was exactly what I did. I drowned myself in too much tv so I wouldn't have to introspect on what I was doing. I wasn't ready for introspection. I'm still not sure I'm ready to think over my decisions. If I think long enough, I end up with more pain than clarity, so I'm probably not ready for introspection yet.

So at a time when my head could no longer think for me, I floated along making choices that didn't make sense, just felt right.

And yet, and yet, for a woman who prides herself on the rationality of her behaviour (however irrational her speech) this, my thirty-fifth year, makes no sense to my head. One day, I hope I will look back on this year, on my younger self, with compassion and love.

Right now, I find myself reaching out to friends and quietly ending the conversation. I'm not ready to talk. But I want to talk, have somebody hear me out without anger, without the need to tell me how wrong I am, how I should be doing it differently, anything, really. I want to be held, and soothed and spoiled with absurdities. This stage of my life is a strange one. I'm young enough to not feel middle-aged, but not young enough to run out looking for comfort. My parents are fighting their own battles and haven't had time for mine in a really long time. My marriage is set in its ways, and we go along the way we know best.

The other night, after one more such abortive contact with another friend, I reached out to Shuki and told her I needed reassurance. She told me exactly what I needed to hear, and in such Shuki style that for a minute I had to remind myself that we're no longer in the same city and I can't go over and give her a hug or get one.

So maybe I should trust in the order of things as I keep trying to. Maybe it's time to fly again and I need to let my fears go. Maybe I should reach out more and trust my needs will be met.



Friday, November 24, 2017

Warring factions

No matter how I look at it, the pieces don't fit. Everything is a little off, an overwhelming whole, an unsettling noise.

And I know what the problem is. I've started the process of repair.

What the new life will look like though, is something nobody knows, least of all me. Even knowing that the new must be better for me doesn't douse that defiant little voice within me saying, 'I don't care, I wanted it so I took it and I don't care even if you take it away from me now.'

How could I be so childish?