Friday, April 06, 2018


I've grown up hearing my father describe me as a very 'twisted' girl. He didn't mean that in a derogatory sense, exactly, more to say that I can be very cunning and am not as innocent as I look or sound. It's the picture of me my entire clan carries till date, and I think my mother-in-law does too. Everything I say or do must have some deeper, hidden, twisted inner meaning, a suspicious innuendo, subtle mockery or some other such wisecrack that most people miss.

I'm not that person, though.

I can lie better than most and I can certainly manipulate people if I wish to, but these are two things I almost never consciously do. It's not because I am particularly saintly at heart, but I've been lied to and manipulated too often myself to casually do it to people who matter to me (and if they don't matter I don't see why I should waste so much effort).

My father's words did not particularly bother me most of my life but now in my thirties I don't see the person my family sees. I see me. Vulnerable, lonely me. If last year was all about carpe diem this year seems to be a daily reminder of how weak I am within, and how little I can afford to be so. Far from plotting or undermining others, I spend each day gathering my courage to last me till the night. It's a very self-centred way of life. I see the boys' needs, I try to meet them as well as I can, and I hope each day that I'll be able to do this all day. Nothing else registers. Not even V, my parents or my brother. Sometimes I reach out for a boost, a friendly voice, my mother's support on the phone, whatever helps me regain my calm, and then I'm back to blindly doing the basic duties that keep my home going. I'm not living my best life, but nor is it my worst. 

This morning

... was quite something. I want to blog it so I don't forget it.

After watching the finale of Coffee Prince last night I had happy dreams. I don't remember what I dreamt but I remember feeling happy and loved, and woke up really early wondering why I was smiling! I had to go to Rahul's new school to order uniforms and sign up for transport, so I got ready and packed the boys and myself up and left home at 8.30 am.

Just outside our home we hit heavy traffic. It took us exactly an hour of crawling through nasty traffic in this heat to travel the less than 4 km to the school. My Ally's AC has never worked too well and now it doesn't work at all, so it was pretty painful.

Reached the school to realise I'd forgotten my chequebook at home so the transport registration wouldn't happen. Uniforms were a complicated purchase with two separate vendors and no posted list of requirements. But ok, we got the lot done. Bought what was available and ordered the rest. Managed to herd myself, the slippery packages (I hadn't realised I'd be carrying clothes home so I didn't have a bag handy) and the boys out only to realise I'd locked the car keys inside the car. I tried prying the lock open with a large ruler borrowed from the help desk but either I did it all wrong or it doesn't work for my car. I couldn't call an Uber either, and was about ready to disgrace myself by loudly bursting into tears.

Luckily a very kind woman was just leaving in a large car and she dropped us off on the main road which saved us a bit of a walk in the hot sun. It took us a little longer to find an auto but eventually we did get one. I will say this of Bangalore autos -- I'm well aware of their bad reputation but I keep having really sweet experiences with them. Even when they overcharge me, they do it so nicely I find it hard to hold it against them! (No, I'm not usually such a pushover.) He even promised to wait and take me back to the school which is a big deal because wait times for a cab from my home can range from a few minutes to well over half an hour.

We got home quickly, taking an illegal wrong way down a one-way stretch with me trying to console myself for the mess by noting that now I could pick up the necessary stuff for the transport registration too. At home I had another panic attack as I couldn't find the photos and then chequebook and finally the spare keys but everything was eventually found and then I was off again in the auto. Thankfully, the boys were now at home so that was one thing off my mind. Another illegal wrong way (and some annoyed drivers) later I was back at the school signing up for the transport and finally, finally unlocking Ally and driving back home.

I'm glad it all worked out.

I'm glad I managed to get through it.

I'm glad we were near home.

I'm really thankful for the kindness of the auto driver and the woman with the car.

I recognise my hypocrisy in grumbling about the auto drivers not following traffic rules while I was driving to the school and then benefiting from the much shorter journeys thanks to the illegal wrong ways my auto driver used.

I'm most thankful the boys were such champions about the whole fiasco, not once whining or complaining about trudging around in the horrible heat. I do not give them enough credit for keeping their cool when I lose mine. I did come home and give them chocolate biscuits since I'm not a complete ingrate.

Thursday, April 05, 2018

Daily horoscopes

I signed up for some free service many years ago and get an email most days. Over time I've learnt to decode them a bit. "You'll have a wonderful evening with your lover", for instance, means that there will be another fight over something and V won't talk to me for a few days (or weeks, or months). "Children cause you worries" can be safely forgotten about because there is no day in my life when I've not had to worry for the safety and sanity of my progeny. Dire predictions about "elders in the family" can be accurate or not depending on how well-behaved my elders feel. "You will solve all issues at work" is alarming to read because of the threat of 'issues' at work, but ok, that can happen. "Beware of an envious co-worker" funnily enough seems to show up on days that V hates me the most, so perhaps the horoscope sees him as a co-worker rather than a lover? We can't be sure but it looks that way.

Mostly, I'll take all of it except for the predictions of marital happiness -- those lead to too much stress at home!